TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely from position. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Sure, certain, let's have An additional location where American men can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: provide Everybody a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It can be that he really should quit utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head seen from Place, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the setting up's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is previously attracting awareness from Global traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel in which my PTSD may have flip-down company."


Yet another article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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